Weekly Update #6

Good morning and Welcome to Weekly Update #6!

Although I’m not sure I can call them weekly anymore… But if I don’t ill be admitting defeat and I won’t do that.

SO! Again.

WELCOME! And thanks for joining me once more.

I have uploaded all the pages I have finished inking and coloring (Pages1-4) and will be pushing myself some more to get more pages done.

• Currently pages 5-7 need to be colored.

• Pages 8 and 9 need to be inked and colored.

Videos of me doing some inking and painting are still coming! Having some trouble finding and learning to use free video editors. ^_^'

For the awesome news!!

My horror comic, All in the End pages 1-4 is up!!!

Check out my Comics section for All in the End Pages 1-4!!!

WARNING!!!! THIS A HORROR COMIC! IT CONTAINS GORE AND DISTURBING IMAGRY!

Every page has cover page that comes first. On that page it will inform you whether or not the following page contains disturbing imagery and/or gore.

Now for the sad news...

Unfortunately, due to recent mental health problems such as severe depression, C-PTSD, and GAD, I haven’t gotten any art done. Outside of a fan art sketch for my son.

Which brings me to what this post will be about. Mental Health. Well, my mental health mostly… And what I've been going through. At the end I'll let you know where I am right now and what I'll be working on.

(This is going to be a little long. Bear with me please.)

Flash back to January, week of the 17th.

I was doing okay even though things were admitting getting harder to keep up with. I was doing as much art as I could without stressing myself out too much and spending time with my family as well as getting important things done. Such as trying to update my housing voucher, doctor appointments, and dealing with medical bills. While dealing with small seizures here and there.

Celebrated my boyfriend’s 29th birthday as well. Mum made him some uber decadent chocolate cupcakes with chocolate ganache fillings and a coffee buttercream icing. It was great. But my depression was creeping up hard and fast. My C-PTSD, depression and GAD can smack me in face over the smallest and stupidest of things. And it picked a day or 2 after my BFs birthday. I tried my best to work through it and really think about why this was happening and what can I do to fix it, but I wasn’t really getting anywhere.

Then my I realized my therapist appointment was coming up. On the 24th.

For some time, my appointment s haven’t been really helping and sometimes hurting. I’ve brought it up with the therapist and my psychiatrist. But nothing was being done. Sometimes I even skipped appointment so my day would be better.

They didn’t really upset me too much during the appointment but there was no processing after the appointment. It was an abrupt okay well times up and I gotta go well talk next week.

I was left feeling raw and incomplete and vulnerable and confused on what I should do next. It wasn’t helping. This last appointment I made a point of saying this that I need more and I feel lie I’m in an endless loop. And I really feel like my trauma has not been properly addressed. My seizures stem from my trauma.

For those who may not know I have PNES.

Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures.

PNES are attacks that may look like epileptic seizures but are not epileptic and instead are cause by psychological factors. PNES in most cases come from a psychological conflict or accompany an underlying psychiatric disorder. There is no known organic or physical cause for PNES. Which means there’s no medication for me to take.

Other than Medical Marijuana. Which does wonders for me. (For a slew of issues that I have.)

But my seizures are a little different they present more like epileptic seizures. Like having memory loss. I’m currently doing test to see if I have both PNES and Epileptic seizures.

So, I really need my trauma to be address so I can heal and hopefully have less seizures and a better life.

I had decided to take the appointment anyway and discuss getting more and better help for my trauma.

I said that I need more work than talk therapy I need more intense work. Whatever we were doing wasn’t working for me. I then questioned their background in working with trauma patients and they SNAPPED at me.

“ARI, we haven’t just meet yesterday...”

I was completely taken aback. You’re snapping at me. Please keep in mind, I’m crying teetering on the edge of a breakdown looking for reassurance that they can help me, and they were mad.

"Are you snapping at me??", I asked "Are you getting mad at me?"

They said yes. I’m getting frustrated with you. All your doing is complaining. And I’m a person too.

I was so upset I started crying harder, dry heaving hung up went into the bathroom to throw up and had some small convulsions. Luckily my boyfriend was there and mt mom showed later for work (she’s my homecare). I even spoke with a friend to help calm me down.

I was looking for reassurance that we could do this together and work on it and if not that they could point me in the right direction where someone could help me better. But they seemed to have gotten offended and snapped at me.

I question their background because even though we have working together for about 4 years or so and we have done NOTHING to help with my trauma. We just talk.

Now remember I have seizures and I completely forgot they do trauma work, it didn’t help that we’ve done no work towards this. They would mention inner child work but do none of it.

What they did was unprofessional.

I have a right to question my treatment and request more services if I feel I’m not being helped enough.

I have a right to question your experience/ background work if I feel that you have not shown enough in sessions to back it up.

Therapist are people too but should never snap at a patient whos hurting and reaching out.

I should add this is all after they recently admitted that I didn’t have a few sessions with them before because they forgot about me. T_T

I will be terminating my therapy once I've found a new therapist or treatment center that can do what I need them too. And finally, better myself.

So you know, I am very involved in my treatment. I look into as many things as I can to help myself and I present these things to my therapist but when it comes to a point where I have to remind you that we need to work on this problem and not just talk about my past few days. Well, that’s a problem. I felt like I was doing their job. They should be helping to point me in the right direction. When the only thing you have to offer is set an alarm or use an app well what am I going to you for??

While talking about what was currently going on and how I was feeling was a big help it didn’t get to the root of my problems. I feel I can’t truly heal until I get to the root and work past those traumas.

Since that appointment I’ve been in a slump and having a hard time pulling myself out of it. I feel like a failure. Worthless. Useless. Such a complete failure…

Its so hard to break out of those thoughts. I binged anime to keep my mind from dwelling into the bad areas. But that didn’t help me to be productive.

I was also lying down a lot. Which is bad because it causes me extreme pain if I I’m there for too long especially if I’m awake. Honestly my bed was a BAD old trauma ridded mattress on a crushed broken wooden box spring. I was a foot off my floor basically.

A few months ago, my boyfriend brought me a brand-new bed, but I was waiting to open it hoping I would be moving soon. But I’ve recently found out that even though the housing voucher for REGUALR FHEPs has been raised FHEPS has not been authorized to update any vouchers. This is very important because my current voucher is for $1580 for me and my 2 teenage kids. I need a three bedroom. But what 3 bedroom is available for that amount. NONE! ABOSULTELY NONE! It was finally raised to cover 100% of fair market value! Instead of the 85% previously. So, my new amount would roughly be $2,217. Which opens much more possibilities for renting. I need a proper place. I sleep in my living room/kitchen, roughly 5-7 feet from my stove. And its just not safe for me.

But all that aside. I was in extreme pain from my bed. I was crying everyday from it. We couldn’t wait any longer and he felt I really need something to help me out since I was already mentally in a bad spot. He put the bed together now I have A LOT less pain. And my kitties now go on the bed with me!! They really didn’t like the old bed. ^_^’

This helped me a bit. As long as I didn’t look to my corner with my unfinished work.

But as the days went on, I began to increasingly hate myself. So much so I began to say it out loud. Not in some passive aggressive way or anything like that. No. I couldn’t stop myself. I began to hate myself for not doing my art, blog website, etc. that I couldn’t stop myself from saying I hate myself out loud.

Over and over.

So much so I wanted a drink. My boyfriend hearing this got me a smoothie. My drink alternative. Lifts me up when I’m down. He treated the kids as well to one. It was perfect. I was feeling better and played some games with my brother when he came up. But the I hate myself crept back up when he left, I was back face to face with my unfinished work.

My boyfriend did everything he could to keep my spirits up and let me know its okay to need to need a break. I don’t have to hate myself for mental burning out a bit. He would dance with me to no music with me to help me smile. And it always does. He saw there was an update for one of my games and got me back on my computer playing Hotel Magnate.

A simple fun little game of building a hotel. (Loads still in development but still a fun game)

Back to the corner of unfinished works O_O''

I played for about 2 days or so. Building tiny rooms and luxury rooms. Watching people rent rooms and staff fall asleep in the middle of the floor. I had a few good laughs and even thought I wasn't, I felt productive. So I decided to go over the art pages I left lying about my table and opened Word back up to my blog post. And I was feeling better being back in my corner. FINALLY.

By sitting in front of my computer to play my game I think it forced me to confront what I was running from, albeit slightly indirectly. And it worked to push me work through it and get back into things.

I don't think my other games would have worked since they are more involved then this one. It was simple and let my mind rest but still do something. Shout to Hotel Magnate for helping me break out of that pit.

Unfortunately I still feel a bit panicked and feel like I’m doing something wrong by sitting here and not touching my art completely but, I’m trying to work through it. Luckily for me a new MMJ dispensary opened up not too far from my house so I can get meds so much easier! It really helps to kick this depression and anxiety.

All that being said.

I want to sincerely apologize to everyone who was waiting on my work to be uploaded by those days. I really did try. I can do well for a short time, but I burn out quick and then I run and hide. Feeling lost and hating myself. I will be working on this.

Being Schizoaffective Bi-polar type, I will have constant ups and downs. But when and how they hit, I'll never know. I will try to keep you all more informed. Hopefully this wont happen again too soon.

I’m hoping to get into a program to help me with my mental illness so I can further work on my trauma and try to get better. Currently looking into CITPD. (Center for Intensive Treatment of Personality Disorders.)

Also will be doing test to see about my memory loss.

I do have some doctors’ appointments coming up but I’m going to try my best and get back to my comic and illustration. As always you can know more if you follow me on twitter.

Thank you so much for sticking with me through all of this.

I appreciate you all. ♥

Next blog post will be centered around my art once more as I get back into my flow.

Stay safe and have a great week!

See you next time in Weekly update #7

♥